So you or your partner have lost interest in sex. Has it been a gradual progression, or did one partner never really seem all that interested? While it’s common to have different desires and sexual appetites, there are several factors which can contribute to or influence a low libido or lack of desire for sex.
Here are 3 practical reasons for losing your libido and how to rectify them:
1. Are you emotionally resistant toward each other, or mostly happy and connected?
While seemingly unrelated to sex, emotions play a big role in increasing or decreasing desire for sex. Men are wired sexually, which means a man’s tendency is to want to connect to his partner via sex. In most cases, sex provides the ultimate emotional connection with his partner. The tricky part is that most women are wired emotionally and for her sexual switches to stay “turned on” she needs to feel an emotional connection to her partner.
If there is emotional resistance present, a woman is unlikely to feel like sex or even want it. She’s not withholding sex from you, it’s just that at that moment she’s not feeling at all attracted to you.
Resistance is that push-pull invisible wall or barrier felt between two people. It’s one of the biggest relationship killers and can stall your sex drive in its tracks. After all, what’s horny about arguing or feeling disconnected from your partner? While make-up sex can feel intensely satisfying, constant arguments and put-downs do not constitute a happy or healthy sex drive and can lead to an early demise of your relationship.
Some couples stay together for many years, long after the intimacy has gone. While in some cases the lack of intimacy is due to medical reasons, in many it’s a matter of complacency.
2. Have you become complacent in your relationship?
Complacency is the silent relationship killer. It’s when one partner is putting in most of the effort and the other is living like a King (or Queen), happy to have things done for them and assuming the other likes to do these things. For example, if a partner likes to have things clean and in order, they will take responsibility to ensure this happens for their own peace of mind. This allows the other person to become complacent, as they usually aren’t as efficient or dedicated toward keeping their environment tidy.
Fixing this issue is the responsibility of both partners. The clean, tidy person must communicate their appreciation in their partner for helping to keep things clean when they do tidy up after themselves. Silently growling under their breath will only lead to resentment which may eventually affect their libido.
Remember that appreciation is a far bigger motivating factor than criticism.
On the other side, the messy person must lift their “A” game which explains the game of attraction. If you want your partner to retain attraction and a healthy sexual desire for you, then step up and surprise them on a regular basis. Understand that their desire for cleanliness is as important for them as something else is important for you.
Keeping yourself clean is a bonus, but it’s usually not enough for a person who desires to live in a clean environment. The kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and other shared living spaces are also important. Don’t constantly leave a mess for them to clean up, that’s a massive sign of disrespect. Even if you planned to eventually clean it up in the next hour or day or two, it’s just as easy to put things away and clean up as you go. There are no excuses for being a sloth, and this unwanted behavior will not earn you points in the bedroom.
3. Do either of you suffer from sexual “malfunctions”?
Either partner’s libido can be severely affected when other sex problems are present. These can include premature (early) ejaculation, erectile dysfunction (weak erections) and for a woman, being unable to achieve orgasm, or difficulty in achieving orgasm.
When sex isn’t fulfilling it’s natural for a man or woman’s (or their partner’s) sex drive to decline after a period of time.
This is usually due to the ongoing performance anxiety and resulting disappointment when either partner fails to complete a sexual act. It’s important to get the answers to solve these problems and restore fulfillment in this important area of your life.
These problems in general, are easily solved with the right knowledge and correct technique applied in the correct order. This is called balancing your sexual focus. Like driving a car, you need to move through the gears in the right order with the right timing, otherwise you will crash, stall, or be unable to reach your preferred destination.
If your partner has lost (her) libido after childbirth, this may be due to reluctance in engaging in the sexual act due to the above problems. She may not like your sexual technique (porn techniques for many women aren’t satisfying), or she simply hasn’t known how to switch her attention fully back to engage in the sexual act.
In some cases, male or female, you need to manually kick-start your libido:
Exercise your pelvic floor muscles. While simply performing a number of repetitions of the following exercise won’t increase your libido, if you switch your attention to enjoying the sensations when you relax the contraction, you can literally switch your libido back on within seconds. (Flexing your penis or vagina is the same movement as making a fist with your hand.) Go for a rapid, flex/relax, flex/relax, flex/relax action to significantly increase blood flow and maximize your awareness of sensations.
Note: This exercise is to restore blood flow and awareness of sensations, it is not the correct technique to resolve a premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or unable to orgasm issue which I can explain.
For a healthy libido to be fully restored, the above issues must be addressed. Knowing how to operate your body sexually is a must. Emotional as well as sexual resistance builds when problems are not being dealt with. To restore a happy and healthy sex life, make sure you’re also dealing with your own emotional triggers and not contributing to triggering your partner due to a lack of integrity.
PsychoSexual Relationship Specialist at End the Problem Jacqui Olliver is a published author who renews relationships by solving emotional and sexual issues for men, women and couples. Jacqui is passionate about helping people develop new mindsets and strategies to overcome life challenges. Through her work she conceptualized and co-created the Emotional Reset Technique™ which resolves emotional triggers.